This topic has been on my mind for some time now. I haven’t been able to write about it since it’s been so hard going through the rollercoaster of emotions. It’s been written in random, so excuse the subject hopping.
It’s over, it has been for some time now according to her. I never could’ve imagined getting a divorce. I love my ex-wife deeply and dearly, with every fibre in my being. From the moment we met till now and every second in between. I can’t imagine not seeing her everyday. I know it sounds clingy and desperate but she’s such an amazing person. She’s inspired me in so many ways, she can also be naughty, nice, mean and sweet all at the same time. She’s simultaneously strong and weak.
I know we were going through a rough patch, but it never crossed by mind to end things. I wanted to give it time, a separation for us to clear our minds and allow some fresh and exciting ideas to reinvigorate our relationship. It’s obvious she didn’t want that since she asked for the divorce.
You see, i’ve consistently been a bad husband, despite her many attempts to tell me, promptly, when I screw things up. I took her for granted. I love her so much but never expressed it the right way. I neglected even the simplest of things. I’m not sure if I can list all the crappy things i’ve either said or done – mostly because my memory doesn’t serve me. I remember when I had a few hours to spare, I would scramble my brain to come up with a gift idea and ended up buying something meaningless to her. This would upset her even more as i’m supposed to know what she likes, if I knew her why would it be so hard to get something?
Let’s dissect this a little more. If we’re together all the time, I can buy her something right there on the spot. But wait, she doesn’t like that, she likes to be surprised, she likes meaningful things (price and brand are never an issue with her), she doesn’t like to be given something she’s just mentioned is nice, she can easily buy these material items. My issue is that anxiety overtakes me, I feel a tremendous pressure to perform the herculean task of picking out a gift, having in mind the aforementioned criteria coupled with the short amount of alone time I was mysteriously granted. FYI, for most men all logic and memory is lost in these situations and only disappointment is assured.
I should’ve treated her like the princess she is. We used to do everything together. Rarely did we do social things alone, unless it was a girl get-together for her. Even then, I wouldn’t go out with what friends I had left. I felt guilty of leaving her at home and indulging in anything by myself. That’s just how it was from the beginning. We were like two peas in a pod. Many friends and family used to always tease us about how much we were stuck to each other. This could’ve contributed to our demise.
I never ceased the opportunities to make her feel feminine, sexy, wanted or desired. I swear I’m not usually like this. I was like a robot. Incapable of showing emotion. She always says my eyes don’t speak , they’re emotionless. How the fuck do you speak with your eyes. I’m shy by nature in these situations, wife or no wife, these deep eye stares can be intimidating and can wish-wash whatever emotions one might have.
According to her, if you have it you have it, there’s no way of faking it. So how am I to show it when I know I feel it? I honestly don’t know if it’s too late to get her back or not. Should I keep trying?
We’re opposites. She’s lively and active always on the move, I’m more of a laid back,
watch a movie at home, read a book, have some sex kinda guy. I really don’t mind tagging along with her. Even when I’m not in the mood and she convinces me to do things, I end up having more fun than her. I try to adjust my mood to the atmosphere the majority of the time, so on some occasions I can be a sourpuss.
I promise you this experience has drastically changed me. I’ve been accused of being lazy, the inventor or procrastination, negative and anti-social. These behaviours have since disappeared. This tragic event has woken me up, but to what or who? the one person I want, the mother of my child, has slipped away.
There’s a lot more to this. Maybe i’ll write more posts on specific areas of the marriage that failed.
Thanks British Girl Lost in Kuwait for the inspiration, you’re a superstar!
Guess what? she’s the only one who knows who this blog belongs to and she doesn’t like reading – how ironic.