Everything and Nothing – the dissolution of my marriage

This topic has been on my mind for some time now. I haven’t been able to write about it since it’s been so hard going through the rollercoaster of emotions. It’s been written in random, so excuse the subject hopping.

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It’s over, it has been for some time now according to her. I never could’ve imagined getting a divorce. I love my ex-wife deeply and dearly, with every fibre in my being. From the moment we met till now and every second in between. I can’t imagine not seeing her everyday. I know it sounds clingy and desperate but she’s such an amazing person. She’s inspired me in so many ways, she can also be naughty, nice, mean and sweet all at the same time. She’s simultaneously strong and weak.

I know we were going through a rough patch, but it never crossed by mind to end things. I wanted to give it time, a separation for us to clear our minds and allow some fresh and exciting ideas to reinvigorate our relationship. It’s obvious she didn’t want that since she asked for the divorce.

You see, i’ve consistently been a bad husband, despite her many attempts to tell me, promptly, when I screw things up. I took her for granted. I love her so much but never expressed it the right way. I neglected even the simplest of things. I’m not sure if I can list all the crappy things i’ve either said or done – mostly because my memory doesn’t serve me. I remember when I had a few hours to spare, I would scramble my brain to come up with a gift idea and ended up buying something meaningless to her. This would upset her even more as i’m supposed to know what she likes, if I knew her why would it be so hard to get something?

Let’s dissect this a little more. If we’re together all the time, I can buy her something right there on the spot. But wait, she doesn’t like that, she likes to be surprised, she likes meaningful things (price and brand are never an issue with her), she doesn’t like to be given something she’s just mentioned is nice, she can easily buy these material items. My issue is that anxiety overtakes me, I feel a tremendous pressure to perform the herculean task of picking out a gift, having in mind the aforementioned criteria coupled with the short amount of alone time I was mysteriously granted. FYI, for most men all logic and memory is lost in these situations and only disappointment is assured.

I should’ve treated her like the princess she is. We used to do everything together. Rarely did we do social things alone, unless it was a girl get-together for her. Even then, I wouldn’t go out with what friends I had left. I felt guilty of leaving her at home and indulging in anything by myself. That’s just how it was from the beginning. We were like two peas in a pod. Many friends and family used to always tease us about how much we were stuck to each other. This could’ve contributed to our demise.

I never ceased the opportunities to make her feel feminine, sexy, wanted or desired. I swear I’m not usually like this. I was like a robot. Incapable of showing emotion. She always says my eyes don’t speak , they’re emotionless. How the fuck do you speak with your eyes. I’m shy by nature in these situations, wife or no wife, these deep eye stares can be intimidating and can wish-wash whatever emotions one might have.

According to her, if you have it you have it, there’s no way of faking it. So how am I to show it when I know I feel it? I honestly don’t know if it’s too late to get her back or not. Should I keep trying?

We’re opposites. She’s lively and active always on the move, I’m more of a laid back, 55969747
watch a movie at home, read a book, have some sex kinda guy. I really don’t mind tagging along with her. Even when I’m not in the mood and she convinces me to do things, I end up having more fun than her. I try to adjust my mood to the atmosphere the majority of the time, so on some occasions I can be a sourpuss.

 

 

I promise you this experience has drastically changed me. I’ve been accused of being lazy, the inventor or procrastination, negative and anti-social. These behaviours have since disappeared. This tragic event has woken me up, but to what or who? the one person I want, the mother of my child, has slipped away.

There’s a lot more to this. Maybe i’ll write more posts on specific areas of the marriage that failed.

Thanks British Girl Lost in Kuwait for the inspiration, you’re a superstar!

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Guess what? she’s the only one who knows who this blog belongs to and she doesn’t like reading – how ironic.

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13 responses to “Everything and Nothing – the dissolution of my marriage

  1. I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. I know all to well what that roller coaster of emotions is like. It’s overwhelming and all-consuming.
    I wish I could give you the perfect advice to resolve the situation but every case is different. It does sound like you’re being very hard on yourself and that both of you had a role to play in it’s demise.
    My advice would be to try your best to take the pressure and guilt off your shoulders. Thinking about what you should have done will do nothing but set you back further. Try instead to think about how best to resolve things, if they can be resolved and if they can’t, think about taking time for you to heal and process it.
    Communication really is key, tell her you want to talk to her directly and honestly and do so. Ask her if she is willing to try again, properly, and to work on your marital issues together as a team. It sounds a little like she has let things build up and is running away, which is exactly what I did. But I skipped the communication part which I shouldn’t have and wasn’t fair, so try to insist on that.
    If I can help with anything or give advice, please let me know. Remember not to beat yourself up, what’s done is done and thinking of a way forward is the best thing to do.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the sound advise. I’m trying not to beat myself up about it and concentrating on how to fix things. There are a lot of details i’ve left out for the sake to keeping the post fairly short.
      She has been very open with criticising my shortcomings from the beginning so I would say she was doing the right thing. I on the other hand, never used to take criticism the right way. I would mostly keep quiet and blame her for always pointing out that I’m wrong and she’s right (which she would repeatedly say ‘there’s no right and wrong’ in any of the situations).
      I have asked her if there’s a chance to start things over the right way. So far we are just friends, actually she’s mentioned umpteen times that she considers my like a brother.
      When we did get divorced, she did say that the future may hold something for us…if it does, it would be my chance to do things right.
      Throughout the years, i’ve been wearing her emotions out, she’s now officially emotionally drained. Ever since the divorce, i’ve been giving her thoughtful gives, doing things on time, remembering certain dates, etc. She’s acknowledged that i’ve changed for the better but that she’s currently in an emotionally blocked state. Meaning that none of the thoughtful things i’ve done had any effect on her.

      Thanks again for the advice and extended hand for help.

      Like

      • It sounds to me that your confidence has been gradually dwindling due to the criticisms about your shortcomings. No one is perfect which is why flaws should be discussed and worked on together in a supportive way. Taking direct criticisms with no offer of support or team work is not easy for anyone.
        I think you have done the right thing in letting her know you want to start over properly and by making effort. I would advise you now to give her space and in the meantime focus on yourself. It will only work if it is her choice to come back and if the desire to try again is balanced. So let her decide and do things you enjoy. Re-discover yourself and focus on the positive things you have to offer. Tell yourself that if it’s meant to be it will be.
        I understand her being in an emotionally blocked state as I was there too and still am to an extent. Let her breathe and sort things out in her own head and if it’s not the outcome you want, I’m sorry to say it’s best to accept it. Writing has really helped me, I know I’ve published my pathetic rants but you can just vent on Word if you prefer not to have it in cyberspace and it will make you feel better.

        Liked by 1 person

      • You’re so right, but it’s been so hard to let go and it’s not helping my confidence. I never had much to begin with, coupled with failure and rejection – which I hate – it’s taken a toll.
        I constantly remind myself to give her space. What fears me is that when I do give too much space, she may take this as a sign of me not wanting her, even though i’ve told her many times that I do. The longer you stay away from someone, the easier it becomes to let go.
        She’s very big on actions-speak-louder-than-words so I find myself in a pickle when I want to show her how I feel now.
        I’m slowly trying to teach myself to accept what’s happening and, like you said, if it’s meant to be it will be.

        Like

  2. I don’t really know what to write.

    I read your posts like three times. Yesterday and today. What you said makes a lot of sense to me and I feel it. What the image mentioned “more marriages might survive …etc” has been into my head many times and this what keeps us moving forward. I didn’t know that someone said it!

    I want to thank you for this writeup. Although it might seems to you as a personal matter, but it can make us learn from it.

    At this moment I just wish you happiness in anyway you find it. Wether with your ex or not. I know you deserve it.

    And hey !!! How come British Girl knows who this blog belongs to when I don’t ??!?!?!?!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hehe I have no idea who he is..he just reads my blog where I posted about some similar issues. I also read the post a few times and it brought back a lot of memories of my own marriage meltdown. I also hope you are as OK as possible and that everything works out for the best. Sometimes things greater than ourselves have a way of leading us to the right path. I really appreciate how honest you were and I’m sure many people, including me, can relate.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks again.
      I can’t explain how difficult it is going through this psychological torture. I’d rather get a betting, some painkillers and move on…but this is worse.
      As for being OK, I can only guarantee no more than 6 hours of OK a day. The remaining time is lost in limbo.
      Everything does have a meaning in the greater picture for the better, but it’s so hard to see that right now.
      I really do need some time to digest and accept the situation.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I think in times like these you have to allow yourself to ride out the emotional waves. Accept that it’s ok and perfectly normal to feel down, angry, confused, sad and rejected. We all do during a break-up and you have to allow yourself to go through the stages. Time really is the best healer, talking to a friend you trust also helps and just generally trying to keep busy. I wish I could say something that would magically make what you’re going through better, I’ve been there and know how hard it is. Time really does heal and give perspective.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I think in some ways it’s more fifficult for a man to deal with and process emotions because they generally prefer to find solutions and feel lost when in limbo land Just try to ride out this wave and allow yourself to do so.,,with some exceptions I tried to give myself a time limit..like I’d allow myself 20 minutes max per day to wallow and to be sad or to feel whatever negative emotions I was feeling. But then id force myself to do something even if it was the last thing i felt like. Like visiting a friend, going for a long walk, swimming, baking a cake etc just give yourself time. Maybe i’m wrong but it seems like you’re getting mixed messages from your wife because she is perhaps confused but that’s only making you feel the sane and negative/guilty. Try to see your worth, you’ve told her how you feel which is commendable and you need to give yourself and her space from it to get clarity,l perspective and to heal. Just remember you’re not alone in what you’re going through and that everything will work out for the best.

        Liked by 1 person

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