I’m not sure if I can describe this feeling correctly or completely. It’s happened more than once despite my trying to fight it. If you have a young child you may understand what I’m about to say.
There’s an emotional feeling that triggers an odd sensation which starts just below the oesophagus but no lower than the heart. It causes my pulse to increase, an unknown tingle beneath my ribs, slight muscle tension, focused pupils and – oddly – phlegm. Just the right amount of cortisol and dopamine are produce to cancel each other. I’m emotionally overridden, like how instinct takes over or when the amygdala chooses fight or flight, to the point of unfamiliar hatred and jealousy. This never manifests into any type of physical form though.
When I emerge from this state, which only lasts for seconds but feels like forever, I feel like a hole of an ass. This distinctive feeling only arises when I see another child in my own sons age range. I instinctively feel that I want my son to be the best, the smartest, the most adorable, the most loved and wanted. Like there’s no other child in the world. Why can the other kid kick the ball better or say words my kid doesn’t know……little bastard!
Is this natural? I would think so. It’s natural to want your child to be the right combination of Einstein, Usain Bolt, Brad Pitt and F Scott Fitzgerald. Why are negative feelings towards the other kids taking over, they never did anything? surely I shouldn’t feel hatred towards them.
I sit there quietly with a fake smile until the episode is over, I don’t feel remorse, I don’t feel sorry……..only like an asshole.
NOTE: image taken from here no copyright infringement intended.